Imagine a joke that starts with “an Englishman, an Argentine, and an Israeli meet in a bar.” Shortly after, they start talking about the Malvinians, the Jews, and the Palestinians. How does the joke end? No idea. I leave it to the readers’ imagination.
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What I do know is that the idea compresses so many contradictions, confusions, and absurdities that it would make for a good TV series. Based, of course, on real events. The Englishman would be the British Foreign Secretary Ed Miliband; the Israeli, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu; and the Argentine, President Javier Milei.
The series would start with Miliband. In a speech this week, he accused Israel of carrying out a campaign against the Palestinians of “ethnic cleansing” in the West Bank and “horror” in Gaza. The U.S. ambassador to Israel, Mike Huckabee, responded that Miliband was a “jew hater,” literally “hater of Jews.”
First joke: Miliband is not only Jewish but, as he declared in the same speech, is “proudly Jewish.” Second joke: Miliband announced British economic sanctions against Israeli settlers who systematically terrorize Palestinians living in the West Bank. Well, joke only in the sense that the United Kingdom hardly matters today in international politics. It is a symbolic gesture that will have zero impact on Israeli domestic politics.
Netanyahu must have been hurt somewhat, however, since in response he invented a new nickname for Perfidious Albion, “the Islamic Republic of Great Britain.” (An opportunity here, perhaps, for the not-so-republican King Charles III, “defender of the Christian faith,” and the British Defense Minister, who is gay, to enter the scene.)
Now, the factor that would give the series a unique character would be Milei, not forgetting his dogs, the four alive and the dead one, Conan, with whom the Argentine leader communicates through a medium. And also not forgetting what would be one of the axes of the drama, the Falkland Islands, the focus of the most absurd conflict in the world since José María Aznar launched the war against Morocco in 2002 to defend Spanish sovereignty over the uninhabited island of Perejil.
Milei worships Netanyahu and the love is mutual: Israel has allied with Argentina against the United Kingdom
As you may know, Milei has just discovered a new enthusiasm for “recovering” Argentine sovereignty over the Falklands, with a population of 3,500 people. Part of Milei’s charm, apart from the fact that as a character he offers a mix between Cantinflas and Mussolini, is that one of his great idols is Margaret Thatcher, whose photo he has – or had until recently – framed in his office at the Casa Rosada. Thatcher not only led the British victory in 1982 in the Falklands but also ordered the great atrocity of that war, the sinking of the military ship Belgrano, which ended the lives of 323 Argentines.
That said, Thatcher is a charity nun compared to Netanyahu and, even more so, his National Security Minister, Itamar Ben-Gvir, which does not prevent Milei from worshiping them today as much or more than the Iron Lady in her day. The love is mutual and, as a consequence, Israel has allied with Argentina against the common enemy, the United Kingdom (or, as they say in Argentina, “England”).
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Milei, who boasts of being “the most Zionist president in the world,” said the following in April during his third visit to Israel since coming to power: “With certain cultures we will not be able to coexist, because if we respect the right to life we cannot coexist with those who want to kill us.” But Milei can coexist with Ben-Gvir, the one who said last month: “I think selective assassinations should be carried out in Gaza, eliminating 30 or 40 each night. Not only those who pose an immediate threat; there are people there who are not worthy of living. They should not live. They are not even people.”
More than coexistence, there is solidarity. Ben-Gvir declared this week that it was about time “the State of Israel publicly recognize that the Falkland Islands are Argentine territory occupied, that the British violently steal from the Argentine people.” He also asked Netanyahu to impose sanctions on Great Britain “while the occupation continues.” Part of the appeal of the Israeli neo-Nazi – as a theatrical figure, I mean – is that he has not the slightest ability to see himself as he really is. That he accuses another country of “illegal occupation” without any irony is proof of that.
Argentina’s problem with the Falklands is not so much the British, deep down, as the Malvinians
Material for at least one episode of the series would be provided by the economic dimension of the Falklands cause. Milei, in an attempt to add a pinch of seriousness to the eternal Argentine territorial claim, declared himself enraged a few days ago by the news that the British have given the green light to oil exploitation in Falkland waters. But here comes another joke. The British gave the green light to a consortium led, with 65% of the shares, by an Israeli company based in Tel Aviv.
How would Milei square the circle? Perhaps by turning a blind eye to this small anomaly in exchange for Israel adding its troops to a second military adventure to recover the islands?
Argentina’s problem with the Falklands is not so much the British, deep down, as the Malvinians, who in the most recent referendum voted 99.8% in favor of remaining loyal to the British crown, with three votes against. If they ever voted to become Argentine, the British would not hesitate for a second to say goodbye and good night, grateful to get rid of an imperial vestige that is costly and uncomfortable and arouses no interest whatsoever among their citizens. Since there is less chance that the Malvinians will choose to be Argentine than that the Palestinians will give up their territorial claims in the Holy Land, the only way out for Milei must logically be military.
The risk is that with the Ben-Gvirs on the team the outcome will be the final solution of extermination. Killing 30 or 40 Malvinians every night for about 74 days, which was the duration of the 1982 war. Unlikely, one supposes, and too macabre, even for a dark comedy series. But with so many crazies loose, laughing is one of the few things left to us to keep from breaking down in tears.
