“Now the children don’t quite leave home, their room stays full and you keep helping them”: does the empty nest syndrome still exist?

Only four countries in Europe (Croatia, Slovakia, Greece, and Italy) record a higher age than Spain for leaving the family home and becoming independent. According to Eurostat data, this event occurs at 30 years old in Spanish households, far from the 21 years when Finns, Danes, and Swedes do the same. The problems of access to housing and job insecurity cause only 15.2% of young people to be able to live independently from their parents, as highlighted in the latest edition of the Emancipation Observatory of the Youth Council of Spain.

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And this has implications not only from a relational, economic, and demographic point of view but also from an emotional one. Because, how is the empty nest syndrome redefined, the one that theoretically should appear negatively when all the children ‘fly’ on their own? Does it make sense to keep talking about it in a scenario radically different from that of a few decades ago?

“Empty nest syndrome is an expected phase of the family life cycle that most parents will experience,” highlights a German study. It showed that this stage does not affect parents in terms of loneliness and depressive symptoms. “Our study suggests that the consequences of the empty nest have been overestimated in the past,” its authors emphasize. Along the same lines, another recent French study analyzed what happens when children leave home and concluded that “no significant effects are observed in the depressive outcomes of either parent.” In other words, there is no worsening of the parents’ mental health, but a transition to a new life stage in which mothers and fathers find themselves with more free time.

Along the same lines, another recent French study analyzed what happens when children leave home and concluded that “no significant effects are observed in the depressive outcomes of either parent.” In other words, there is no worsening of the parents’ mental health, but a transition to a new life stage in which mothers and fathers find themselves with more free time.

Perhaps from this perspective, data such as that from the VI Senior Consumer Barometer, prepared by the Ageingnomics Research Center of Fundación Mapfre, can be interpreted, which shows how more than half of Spaniards over 55 make plans to socialize or meet new people, coinciding with that life and family transition. So what is happening then? Where are the feelings of emptiness, loneliness, demotivation, and lack of enthusiasm associated with that sense of loss that parents of other generations felt in the face of a house that was emptying and becoming too big for them?

“I think the empty nest today does not exist as such,” confesses Verónica, 63 years old. “When your child at 30 tells you he has a girlfriend and goes with her, you think you won’t be with him, that he will undo his room… But it’s not like that. They become independent, in quotes, but since you see them stressed and working from morning to night, you help them financially or, for example, like me with food: buying and spending a few hours cooking to prepare containers for them. They come and go, and the parents are there to support,” she says.

But is it a personal feeling of hers or is it generalized? “I see it in all my friends and neighbors who have children of these ages, in their twenties or thirties. They are at home, or half at home, because although they leave, their room remains full and they come and go with things. And it’s no longer clear if there is more work because when they are at home they have some responsibility, like taking out the trash or hanging laundry, but when they become independent, they leave and don’t leave: they come, bring you dirty clothes, take food…,” she points out.

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In her case, she has no complaints about her son, whom she sees daily since he goes to the family home to walk the dog and, according to her, is a young man who values his parents’ effort to help him and expresses his gratitude, but she does detect in her friends “that they feel it is like an obligation.” “Now nests are full of many things, and also of issues to be resolved by the parents. As a friend of mine says, if before I had a problem with my son, now I also have the problems of the daughter-in-law. So in reality, the empty nest does not exist today,” Verónica states.

However, for some families, that adaptation to the new cycle where children stop living at home does represent a painful moment of change. “If we think of parents individually, those who have dedicated most of their lives to caring for their children and have not cultivated other personal, work, or social areas, may experience a sense of loss of purpose when they leave home; it is as if, suddenly, the function that gave meaning to their life for many years disappears,” comments Teresa Moratalla, clinical psychologist, biologist, and family and couple psychotherapist.

In this scenario, there is a significant variable: the relationship between the parents. “If the children have become the only bond that kept the couple together, their departure can generate a void that is difficult to face and favor the appearance of significant conflicts,” warns the expert, who is a professor of the Family Therapy Master’s program at URL-Hospital de Sant Pau in Barcelona and belongs to the Spanish Federation of Family Therapy Associations (FEATF), of which she has been president. “Relational discomfort, dissatisfaction, and loss of motivation to continue together can, in some cases, lead to separation,” she warns.

How to come out successful when that empty nest traps you? “It is important to understand this stage as a process. It involves moving from one phase of the life cycle to another and requires an adaptation time during which it is necessary to redefine the relationship with the children, reorganize life as a couple, and find new projects and personal interests,” recommends the specialist. And the goal must be to transform that connection, which does not have to be lost. “It is essential to respect the autonomy of the children, support their decisions, and accept that they will build their lives according to their own values and preferences; maintaining a close relationship does not depend on the degree of control but on the ability to offer support, respect, emotional availability, and unconditional acceptance,” the psychologist details.

“Children are not lost when they leave home: what changes is the way of relating to them,” concludes Teresa Moratalla. “Accepting this transformation allows building a different bond, equally meaningful and compatible with a full and satisfying life for all family members.”

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